Have you ever wondered who are you becoming when you move towards your inner self?
And then, how does your inner self differ from what you are being right now?
To be honest: I didn’t, for a long time.
This is a question I would not have dared to ask, once, because it did not come to my mind, that I could be the one I dreamed to be and second, because it’s a damn scary question.
I was up to my neck in daily routines with the kids, with the household, with the amount of work welcoming me each morning latest at 05.30. and even before that, I feel I was pregnant for several years and up to my neck in hormones just letting me function as a mother. Yes, a work I enjoy deeply- well most of the time- but there was something else. It started with a constant inner nagging on my soul, questioning my happiness. And then a big question arises on my inner horizon: what do I need to have more of in my life to feel fulfilled?
I suddenly felt out of balance, being confronted with inner conflicts and doubts on me and my life. I felt I was able again to hold my head out of the water and see the beauty of this world, and yes, seeing possibilities for myself. But all this brought no peace, yet inner confusion.
Was this all enough? And, am I enough to become and to get something more out of my life?
So, I set off to new perspectives. I just could not do anything else. There is a point in life, where there is no return. And it’s the point when you gained inner clarity and certainty on what you need to lead a fulfilled life.
It all started with my longing, deeply in the fog, a thin sense of inner leadership.
But then you start to peel the onion, which can hurt you and others sometimes, because neither you self nor others expect you to choose or act different than the known.
For me it felt strange choosing me over others. That was my first layer. I made the choice for a different profession, despite of all the work it takes to get there. I am very stubborn when it comes to achieving set goals, but still I struggled with all the accompanying reflections, with the nights away from my kids and with the free time I took for myself. It may sound surprising, that time for yourself is something to struggle with. But clearly, as a mother to indulge in free moments causes plenty of inner conflicts. It feels like a treat you don’t deserve. It took me a while to accept this need of mine and enjoy these rare moments. So as to say, this layer felt more a rub-off over all than a gentle peel away.
Once I had more time for myself and I knew the way to move on, it released so much energy and free space. But what do I wanted to fill this free space with? That felt like my second layer of the onion. What was hidden under this power I felt in myself again, and where could it lead me to? It felt like a free space, but on the other hand it scared me. What if things would change so much, that my life would change as a result of this inner clarity?
It was like in a closet when you put away clothes you don’t need anymore and the you have finally storage available. That was my head: free space and available storage.
I wanted to fill that with moments and feelings I want to have more of in life. Finding your inner truth and accepting your inner longing, as small or big it might be, sounds easier than it is. I definitely wanted to have more of laughter, fun, adventure in my life. That was easy to figure out. I wanted to stop judging me and feel more compassionate towards myself. I wanted to move towards my longing, without constantly adjusting to others. But most importantly finding the inner strength to stop letting others determine or influence my feelings. That was my mountain to cross.
And it all started with accepting me who I was and who I had become. This layer was quite painful and lonely, it even sometimes felt like grieving and saying goodbye to an old stage of life.
Writing this, a poem of a Russian poet comes to my mind, which I used to have hung up in my room as a teenager: “A man with a knife does not care, which thoughts mature out of an onion: tears mean nothing”.
In my life, the third layer of my onion subverts a constant growing process. Who am I becoming, as I move towards my inner self?
I will be becoming the person I can see now shining through. This, I am convinced finally.
Having peeled most of the onion, I can even start feeling this new person in me and not constantly judging my doubtful emotion. I might have used my knife to cut the onion at the beginning, but it mattered more and more which thoughts matured out of it. It mattered to me. I owed it to my own self determined life.
And presently I feel: tears can be everything.